I’ve been thinking a lot lately about turning 30, and how close I am (not really) to reaching this milestone in life. I am 1 year and 243 days away, approximately, but who’s counting. For those of you who can’t do math, including myself, this makes me 28 years and 123 days old. This means (if I can actually count, which I can‘t because I never learned to read) that I have approximately 608 days until I turn the big 3-0!! Is anyone else as excited as I am?! Probably not I’m guessing, but that’s ok. I’m most likely going to have Alzheimer’s by then anyway and be walking with a cane while throwing cats at young children that walk on my lawn while blaring their rape music…..what was I talking about here? I saw a prune and got distracted….oh yeah! Turning 30! Anywho… I think the only logical thing to do in the meantime is collaborate a list of activities to accomplish before I basically turn into a dusty, raisin-skinned old hag. And please, if anyone has a valid suggestion for my list, please feel free to share…. or keep it to yourself…either way, I’m flexible (not really, you should probably just keep it to yourself). So without further ado, here is my list of goals/adventures/activities/stupid,/thoughtless things to do before I’m 30:
1. Violently sneeze on a small child in a crowded, public area. Not sure why… just sounds fun.
2. Trip a random person on the sidewalk while pretending to be blind, then laugh hysterically when they fall.
3. Go grocery shopping dressed as Batman and act like its completely normal.
4. Pee in a public swimming pool….
5. …Blame the pee in the public swimming pool on the person closest to me in the water.
6. Pour x-lax in an unsuspecting persons drink at the bar…
7. …Sit back and watch the poor bastard’s fate unfold while chuckling deviously to myself from a safe distance..
8. Dress like a gangsta, lean my seat back and cruise the hoods while blaring Pavarotti
9. Join a commune
10. Learn to speak Japanese and use it only at the Chinese restaurants to order my lunch
11. Write a series of children’s books titled Wally and the Wood Chipper, based on a neighborhood youngster with a penchant for taking out his elementary school rivals with a vengeance…..and a wood chipper
12. Adopt a hobo
13. Take a baby to Bed, Bath and Beyond, claim I bought it from the Beyond section, and ask for a refund due to its excessive pooping
14. Start wearing a sun dial for a watch on rainy days ONLY
15. Dress like a squirrel and wander the public parks, asking if anyone has seen my nuts
16. Take my karaoke singing so seriously that I set up an autograph booth at the side of the room, and hand out signed pictures of myself to people as they leave
17. Follow up the “Wally” books with a new series titled V.D. and Me, based on Wally’s prostitute mother, thus explaining why Wally is so fucked up..
18. ….Closely followed by the Who’s My Daddy, and Deliver My Male to the Jail… no, that’s not a typo
19. Realize I don’t want to be in a commune and transfer to a nudist colony
20. Wear leather pants and a turtle neck to the beach…in July
21. Dig a hole in my front yard late at night, suspiciously bury a large garbage bag containing a mannequin, and wait to see if my neighbors call the police due to a random hand sticking precariously out of the freshly tilled dirt
22. Find people in an alley, approach them wearing a dark trench coat and sunglasses and ask if they are interested in purchasing a freshly harvested kidney that I have in the back of my windowless van…
23. ..Attempt to return the kidney to the roofied hobo in my bathtub full of ice, with a genuine apology and a Big Mac as a peace offering..
24. …Ask my friends to post my bail and get a booster Tetanus shot
25. Build an Arc…
26.…Rob the local zoo
27. Answer all of the hate mail from parents of the severely psychologically traumatized children that read my books
28. Dress as a pharmacist and hand out Altoids to people in the mall as the new miracle cure for AIDS
29. Sit in front of the windows at Curves and eat an entire cheesecake sampler
30. Do a full workout at the gym dressed as a T-Rex, then excessively weep when I can’t do push-ups
So far I think my list sounds pretty fair and realistically achievable. As long as I complete one task per every 20 ¼ days, I should be able to make it through the entire thing. I will try to post updates with my progress periodically, for any nay-sayers that think I wouldn’t actually do any of these completely normal and socially acceptable things! Wish me luck!!
****Disclaimer: No hobos were harmed in the making of this list……
