30 Things to do Before I'm 30

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about turning 30, and how close I am (not really) to reaching this milestone in life. I am 1 year and 243 days away, approximately, but who’s counting. For those of you who can’t do math, including myself, this makes me 28 years and 123 days old. This means (if I can actually count, which I can‘t because I never learned to read) that I have approximately 608 days until I turn the big 3-0!! Is anyone else as excited as I am?! Probably not I’m guessing, but that’s ok. I’m most likely going to have Alzheimer’s by then anyway and be walking with a cane while throwing cats at young children that walk on my lawn while blaring their rape music…..what was I talking about here? I saw a prune and got distracted….oh yeah! Turning 30! Anywho… I think the only logical thing to do in the meantime is collaborate a list of activities to accomplish before I basically turn into a dusty, raisin-skinned old hag. And please, if anyone has a valid suggestion for my list, please feel free to share…. or keep it to yourself…either way, I’m flexible (not really, you should probably just keep it to yourself). So without further ado, here is my list of goals/adventures/activities/stupid,/thoughtless things to do before I’m 30:

1. Violently sneeze on a small child in a crowded, public area. Not sure why… just sounds fun.

2. Trip a random person on the sidewalk while pretending to be blind, then laugh hysterically when they fall.

3. Go grocery shopping dressed as Batman and act like its completely normal.

4. Pee in a public swimming pool….

5. …Blame the pee in the public swimming pool on the person closest to me in the water.

6. Pour x-lax in an unsuspecting persons drink at the bar…

7. …Sit back and watch the poor bastard’s fate unfold while chuckling deviously to myself from a safe distance..

8. Dress like a gangsta, lean my seat back and cruise the hoods while blaring Pavarotti

9. Join a commune

10. Learn to speak Japanese and use it only at the Chinese restaurants to order my lunch

11. Write a series of children’s books titled Wally and the Wood Chipper, based on a neighborhood youngster with a penchant for taking out his elementary school rivals with a vengeance…..and a wood chipper

12. Adopt a hobo

13. Take a baby to Bed, Bath and Beyond, claim I bought it from the Beyond section, and ask for a refund due to its excessive pooping

14. Start wearing a sun dial for a watch on rainy days ONLY

15. Dress like a squirrel and wander the public parks, asking if anyone has seen my nuts

16. Take my karaoke singing so seriously that I set up an autograph booth at the side of the room, and hand out signed pictures of myself to people as they leave

17. Follow up the “Wally” books with a new series titled V.D. and Me, based on Wally’s prostitute mother, thus explaining why Wally is so fucked up..

18. ….Closely followed by the Who’s My Daddy, and Deliver My Male to the Jail… no, that’s not a typo

19. Realize I don’t want to be in a commune and transfer to a nudist colony

20. Wear leather pants and a turtle neck to the beach…in July

21. Dig a hole in my front yard late at night, suspiciously bury a large garbage bag containing a mannequin, and wait to see if my neighbors call the police due to a random hand sticking precariously out of the freshly tilled dirt

22. Find people in an alley, approach them wearing a dark trench coat and sunglasses and ask if they are interested in purchasing a freshly harvested kidney that I have in the back of my windowless van…

23. ..Attempt to return the kidney to the roofied hobo in my bathtub full of ice, with a genuine apology and a Big Mac as a peace offering..

24. …Ask my friends to post my bail and get a booster Tetanus shot

25. Build an Arc…

26.…Rob the local zoo

27. Answer all of the hate mail from parents of the severely psychologically traumatized children that read my books

28. Dress as a pharmacist and hand out Altoids to people in the mall as the new miracle cure for AIDS

29. Sit in front of the windows at Curves and eat an entire cheesecake sampler

30. Do a full workout at the gym dressed as a T-Rex, then excessively weep when I can’t do push-ups

So far I think my list sounds pretty fair and realistically achievable. As long as I complete one task per every 20 ¼ days, I should be able to make it through the entire thing. I will try to post updates with my progress periodically, for any nay-sayers that think I wouldn’t actually do any of these completely normal and socially acceptable things! Wish me luck!!

****Disclaimer: No hobos were harmed in the making of this list……

Dangerous Curves Ahead

I’ve been reading a lot of articles lately about all of this airbrushing and Photoshop nonsense that has been happening in magazines and product ads lately. There’s been quite a fuss made over it all and it’s not hard to understand why. Everyone keeps talking about the tremendous pressure that it puts on women to keep themselves up to an unrealistic standard of what’s considered “beautiful.” I would like to know who decides what these standards are so I can find them and tattoo the words Douche bag on their forehead. I don’t know about you, but I personally don’t want to look like an androgynous, skeletal stick person, and I certainly don’t understand why anyone would want to strive for that if it‘s not natural or healthy for their body!! I have never been what would be considered a “thin” person, and quite frankly I am imperfectly fine with that. I love my boobs, and so what if I have wide hips?! I wouldn’t mind if they were a little smaller, (same with my thighs, yikes!) but that’s why I go to the gym! You would think in a society riddled with obesity we would be more focused on our masses becoming more healthy and fit rather than zeroing(hint, hint) in on how tiny our waists can be. Lets face it, no one’s going to live long enough for that to ever be a reality because everyone’s going to die of heart attacks from either being extremely over or underweight! Its not really surprising that we have a problem with obesity (please remember that this can also mean too thin as well!) in our society when our entire culture has shifted to become about what’s convenient. With the constantly growing amount of businesses and technology that cater to your every whim without even having to step foot out your front door, it’s really very easy to become sedentary and lethargic. Why go to the gym when you can strap on a belt that’s going to give you “instant abs“ or take this pill and lose 50 pounds in three days? Or, why should I actually go to a library or book store, and then waste precious nanoseconds turning a page when I can push one button on my Kindle without leaving my couch? I’m honestly surprised that people aren’t just using catheters so that they don’t even have to physically move to another room to go pee! But then there’s the opposite spectrum where counting every calorie, or just not consuming any at all, while spending countless hours on the treadmill will hopefully make you a size 0 like the incredibly airbrushed model in Vogue. I would be a big, fat liar(no airbrushing needed) if I said I hadn’t wished a time or two that I had a freakishly unnatural body build, but then I look at my daughter and I think of all of the pressure and scrutiny I’ve faced growing up, and I can’t possibly stomach the idea of her going through the same thing. For myself, personally and as a parent, I just try to keep a good stock of healthy produce and low-fat options around my house. If I go to the grocery store by myself, I park far away and walk all of the bags back to my car (all of that and a 50lb child can make that jaunt a bit of a challenge). I try to frequent my gym, though honestly I don’t go as much as I should, but at least I go, and I try to get my daughter outside and active over parking her butt in front of a movie, like she would much rather do. If people could just shift their focus slightly and think about things, they might just realize that being the size of a toothpick doesn’t mean you are going automatically be that much happier, just like sitting around for hours and then eating a Big Mac isn’t going to have the same conclusion either (unless you are a toothpick, then please do this X3). So why all of a sudden is it so bad that all of this hype is cropping up about digitally altered photos to make already waif-ish models freakishly thin, when at the same time it’s being crammed down your throat that you shouldn’t be “fat” anymore?! GOOD QUESTION! But to me the answer is simple: Don’t focus on either one! If you’re constantly worried about the SIZE of your body, then you’re not focusing on the HEALTH of it, not to mention the mental anguish and stress it causes you to be so constantly worried about it all. I don’t want to have a huge ass, or cellulite…or cankles…..or wrinkles…or ..well you get the point. But I’m also not going to obsess about it! Maybe a little…. Maybe ad companies should start running ads featuring actually “average” sized models (which clothing designers could back up by actually making these sizes normal), or start marketing the benefits of feeling good about yourself the way you are, not the way you think you should be. Other than the outside influences like medical issues (I myself have a thyroid condition that affects my weight, but I manage this with medication), I see no reason why the focus shouldn’t just be on eating right and exercising, (which for the most part I also follow because even hormones are no excuse to not try to be healthy). I don’t want to spend the next 6 months in starvation mode just to fit into a single pair of jeans because someone else dictated that I should. Where is the logic in that at all?! But that’s how people think and it’s sad!!! It’s sad that a beautiful woman that’s a size 12 is considered “Plus-sized,” when an anorexic size 0 is considered “beautiful.” If I ever look down and see multiple ribs sticking out through my shirt, I’m going to hope that it’s because someone tranquilized me and dropped me off in some impoverished, 3^rd world country for a year, because that’s never going to happen by choice! I know I jumped back and forth here a little, but my point overall is just try not to compare yourself to these unnatural and illogical expectations of how you “should” look. It doesn’t matter how big, (or small for that matter because some people are just naturally tiny), you are if you’re healthy and happy with yourself. I stress the HEALTHY part of this because I feel that is what’s most important here. Just in case any of this didn’t strike a cord or make my point clear enough on this issue, I’d like to share some statistics and a few outside references to reinforce my point of view here.

According to the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa And Associated Disorders, Inc, (ANAD):

Up to 24 million people of all ages and genders suffer from an eating disorder (anorexia, bulimia, and binge eating disorder) in the U.S.
Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness.
An estimated 10-15% of people with anorexia are male.
The body type portrayed in advertising as the ideal is possessed naturally by only 5% of American females.
81% of ten year old girls are afraid of being fat.
95% of all dieters will regain their weight loss within 5 years.
Over one-half of teenage girls, and nearly one-third of teenage boys use unhealthy weight control behaviors such as skipping meals, fasting, smoking cigarettes, vomiting, and taking laxatives.
In a survey of 185 female students on a college campus, 58% felt pressure to be a certain weight, and of the 83% that dieted for weight loss, 44% were of normal weight.

www.anad.org

http://ethicist.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/10/20/should-photos-come-with-warning-labels/

http://shine.yahoo.com/fashion/before-and-after-britney-spears-releases-unretouched-candies-ads-1284888.html

Hopefully these links work (I'm new at this), and kudos to the celebrities that encourage the non- digitally altered photos to be released.  Afterall, they are who most of us end up comparing ourselves anyways!

　

The Best Defense

I am an animal lover. I always have been, and I always will be. Since I can remember, I’ve been making “homes” for critters out of rocks, sticks, boxes, whatever I could find so they would have a cozy place to lay their weary heads. I’ve always had countless pets of every variety including, dogs, cats, ducks, chickens, turkeys, squirrels, opossums, rats, mice and snakes. I learned to love barn cats at an early age despite their lovely fits of biting and scratching, even though they were so cute and I was just absolutely convinced that there WAS enough Neosporin in the world to convince them to come home with me. I got to hold a baby raccoon once, and even let a monkey sit on my head. (It tried to eat my hair, but I let it live because it was cute) And of course everyone knows that animals can be a great defense for your families and homes, like making vicious guard dogs out of Dobermans and Chihuahuas. But what kind of sick person would use a dead creature as a defense mechanism?! I would, and I have! I didn’t kill the animals first, they were already dead, so please don’t go speed-dialing PETA or anything, and keep in mind that sometimes people can be so annoying that you have to resort to sick measures to get them away from you! Ok, make that one person in particular. She lived down the block from me and was annoying, and whiny, and even as an elementary school-aged kid, I couldn’t stand her!!! There are only a couple of isolated incidents where I used such a defense, but lets just say that sometimes a dead critter can be just as useful as a live one when you know it will strike fear into the heart of an unsuspecting person…. Or in my case, child. I’m not exactly sure of the year, but I was probably in the fifth or sixth grade the first time it happened. A friend of mine and I were playing volleyball in my front yard one evening, when out of the blue, little “Ashley” bitch face comes skipping down the block and wants to play. This girl was awful. She was a few years younger than us and was a known nuisance who would run to mommy for every single offense, real or imaginary, who would in-turn demand humiliating apologies for her “Precious baby.” Gag!! Anyway, my friend, who we will call “Anne“, and I kind of looked at each other like, “Are you fucking kidding me? No way in hell!” Just then I remembered that before we had even started to play, I had spotted a dead bat in my yard. They were known to fly around, and it being such a small town it was common to see them around sunset. This one, for whatever reason, had chosen my front yard as it’s everlasting place of rest. At first site, the grotesque little creature held no value and we were far too grossed out by it’s stiff, lifeless body to touch it. But now a certain golden opportunity presented itself to free us from our unwanted companion, and I was just sick enough to know what to do. While “Anne” distracted the little bitch, (I often now refer to children as “little bitches” so this is an absolutely normal term of endearment) I managed to pick up the dead bat between two sticks, and while half pretending to be sickened at finding it’s corpse so near to where we were standing, proceeded to “take it to the trash.” Well, I’m sure you’ve guessed by now that this isn’t what happened. Wouldn’t you know that while walking directly passed “Ashley“, I “accidentally” tripped and flung that little dead bat directly into her fearful and unsuspecting self, striking her in the middle of the chest. With a flurry of screams and flailing arms she bolted from my yard like lightening to run home to mommy, while “Anne” and I collapsed into a fit of laughter and a very fake, half -yelled apology of “I’m sorry, I tripped!” I wish I could say that this was the only time I resorted to such a disgusting act of snobbery, but I would be a liar. I honestly can’t remember if it was later that same day or another time, but it just so happened that “Anne” and I were hanging out again, as we so often did back then, and decided to go for a walk. While walking passed “Ashley’s” house, we discovered a dead garter snake lying in the street. Now I’m not one to make absurd accusations here, but am I the only one that finds it strange that dead animals followed in the wake of this girls existence? Anti-Christ child maybe? Who knows. All I know is I saw a very simple math equation in front of me: 1 dead snake+ 1 open back yard trampoline= two giddy little girls, delighted at the thought of this brat discovering her worst nightmare while going out to play. Long story short, I picked the dead snake up by the tail and threw it onto her trampoline, doing so with the complete knowledge of the depth of this girls fear and hatred of all things that slither. After making it a few blocks into our walk, “Anne” and I got the justification we were eagerly waiting for. Our conversation had suddenly been cut short by a violent and guttural scream. We knew. She had found it and our plan of terrorizing her had succeeded. This was later confirmed, as after our walk, and “Anne” had gone home, I was walking back to my own house when I passed by “Ashley’s” again and discovered the snake was back out on the street. And wouldn’t you know, me being the sweet, angelic child that I was, just wanting that little snake to have a final comforting resting place, picked it up and threw it back onto that trampoline, then continued happily home. I have to say now, that even though I haven’t used this type of technique as an adult, it proved itself to be useful and effective . I’m not ruling anything out here, but if you know you’re annoying, and you happen to be in my general vicinity, it might be a wise choice to take notice of your surroundings and any possible creature corpses that could, and most likely would, be used against you. J

Ode to the Midgets!

There’s no hiding it, no denying it, and no way to rationalize it in any way whatsoever, but I have a sick confession: I am OBSESSED with midgets!! Anyone that is in regular contact with me has probably heard a few comments here and there but nothing to the extent of what I am about to unleash now. I have no way of pinpointing when this perverse obsession started, but I can not get enough of those cute, little freaks!! Honestly, I don’t give a crap about being politically correct with my terminology either. I mean really, what’s correct about politics in the first place? Midgets, Little People, Lollypop Guild, Wee Ones, Fun Sized. Whatever you want to call them, I call them awesome!! Over Christmas I happened to be in Wal-Mart, and right as I was at the cashier to pay, I looked up and there was my very own little nugget of Christmas joy, sitting on a bench next to a huge, lit-up tree! I was so excited I wanted to take a picture, but didn’t want to be offensive. It was as though Santa delivered to my sight my very own Christmas elf!!

I have sick fantasies of dressing them up in costumes and posing them into different scenarios in my front yard. Can you imagine a life-sized Chess board with them dressed up as the pieces?! Or little living garden gnomes that yell obscenities at my neighbors!! I’d love to strap one into a car seat next to my daughter’s so she has a playmate, or carry one around in a Baby Bjorn to go shopping or to the park! I even imagine that if you were to kick one it would bounce and roll merrily along, letting out a gleeful “WEEE!!!” as it went! The possibilities are endless!! Don’t get me wrong though, I’m not trying to rob them of their dignity here. I have the utmost respect for their pint-sized ferocity and even though they may have an ankle biter, Chucky-like similarity to Cabbage Patch Kids, they sure are cute little buggers and I just can’t seem to get enough!!

Say What?

It’s still early in the blogging game for me, but I’m going to get a little more serious with this one. So without further ado, I just want to ask one of the most simply complicated questions that I’m sure everyone’s thought about at some time: Why the fuck don’t people just say what they mean and mean what they say? Think about it. Think about the last time someone asked “How are you today?” What did you say? Was it “I’m fine, thank you.” Or was it an actual honest answer like, “I’m so great! I feel amazing, I’m happy and I love my life,” or “Wow I’m pretty shitty today. I ran out of toothpaste so my mouth feels like I licked a hobo’s ass and I’m so miserably alone that I caught myself looking at my neighbor’s dog.” Ok, maybe not so much on that last part, and if that is the case then please don’t ever actually verbalize it out loud, and maybe think about getting some therapy. But do you know what I mean? Take a look at how you talk to people and how they talk to you. Are you “nice” to the people you don’ t actually like? Why is that? Why waste everyone’s time walking on eggshells and going out of your way to not offend them. If you really don’t like them, then who the fuck cares. Just get all of the false pretenses out of the way, acknowledge it and move on. I have never understood why someone would waste so much of their own time pretending to be “nice” or civil, then turn around and be nasty behind the persons back. You’re literally spending so much energy focusing on that person and everything that you hate about them, that they end up occupying more of your time than the things that actually matter. Of course the same is true for when you actually do care about someone. I know the dreaded “L” word scares the shit out of a lot of people and is completely overused at the same time. It seems pretty simple. If you like someone, just tell them. If you don’t, just tell them. False niceties and fake disdain are useless pieces of shit that get you nowhere but the gray zone of everyone being fake bitches that no one ever really trusts. Imagine how much different the world would be if a guy running for President said, “Ok, I’m pretty much a huge douche bag that’s going to over compensate for my receding hairline and tiny penis by being so power hungry I will make Hitler look like a de-clawed kitten. So basically I’m going to take this place and the whole lot of you, make you my bitches for the next four years, and ask you to treat me like a god the whole time I’m bending you over and screwing you from behind.” Never going to happen right.? Wrong. It happens all the time but you don‘t know it‘s happening because it‘s not so blatantly obvious. You’re still getting screwed the same way. Just like it happens that somewhere, someone is sitting and whining over the “one that got away.” You want to know why that one got away? Because you were too busy sitting there, doubting yourself, staring, daydreaming, mastur…..wait, what?! Gross, but you know it happens. (Seriously though, clean that shit up) Basically, don’t be a whiny bitch. Grow some balls. Man up. Whatever you’ve got to do. Just stop being fake pieces of shit. I for one don’t want people at my funeral saying, “She was so nice.” Nice is the equivalent of Satan to me. Nice is where what you really mean goes to die. If people don’t like me, I want them to stand over my grave and say, “Thank God that bitch is gone.” If they do care, then I fully expect to hear about it before I’m dead. Either way I’m going to haunt some bitches. The bottom line here is people are so scared to be real that they are willing to sacrifice their relationships to keep everything on an even keel, while deep down they can barely hold themselves together because of their anger, sadness, depression, obsession, or excessive joy,…whatever it is that’s sucking the life out of them and everyone else they come into fake contact with. And that my friends, sucks the life out of life itself. Do me and everyone else a favor.: Don’t suck. Don’t be fake. Don’t be afraid to show whatever it is you feel because you might offend someone, or make them feel bad about themselves because they aren’t as happy as you. If you want things to be different, get off your ass, open your big mouth and make it happen.

One "Hit" Wonder...

I’m a first time blogger so bare with me here. The purpose of this whole adventure is basically to share some of my fucked up thoughts and experiences in an attempt to see the humor in this total shit storm we call life. Maybe we will find we have things in common, you can relate to a point of view, or gain a new perspective or idea about something. Maybe you just had a shitty day and need something to make you feel better about yourself. Either way is fine with me. After all, if you can’t point and laugh at other people then where is the real joy in life?! I’d like to start us off with a little story I like to call, “The Asian Fuck.” A while back, December 28, 2011 to be precise, I happened to get the urge to leave my house and find something to do other than sit on my ass. While attempting to turn onto the street from a stoplight, I had an Asian guy ride his bike in front of me through the crosswalk. Naturally, I hit the dumb son of a bitch. Not hard. Just a tap, mind you. He caught himself on his hands and proceeded to complain like getting hit by a car is not his average daily occurrence. Boo-hoo. At least I drive a Honda buddy!! So he could have at least welcomed the sight of the incoming “H” as a familiar reminder of home!! Anyway, after all of the usual police reporting, taking pictures of damages and whatnot, I watch the guy personally load his broken bike into the back of his vehicle. The guy later calls me and tries to swindle me for his “injuries” and wants compensation for his broken bike. Understandable right? I mean how would I feel if that was me? Well for starters I wouldn’t ride my bike at night with no helmet or reflectors wearing dark colored clothing and pull out in front of a moving vehicle. Maybe its just that I‘m not suicidal, or maybe its that I don‘t have the pressures of a superhuman race of engineering geniuses pushing me for academic and social excellence. Maybe the guy was tired of constantly being called the wrong name because he looks exactly like 1 billion of his closest friends and neighbors. I honestly can’t say, but I promise you it‘s not because I‘m racist. I have Asian friends that I love to pieces, but if you’re going to choose to be part of a people that prides themselves of being so smart it begs the question, where is the common sense in this?! And yes I said choose. People change their faces, religions, sex, and identities all the time. If you can bleach your asshole, I’m pretty sure you can pick your race. He even told me “I thought you saw me.” Big nope on that one!! I probably would have mowed his ass down purposefully if he’d been dressed as a clown, or worse, a girl scout, but not your ordinary Asian man. I was later found not at fault for my ticket of failing to yield, so yay for me, it saves my driving record. The guy broke the law in the first place by not getting off his bike to walk it through the crosswalk, which is an actual LAW. Then today I get a letter from the DMV in the mail saying they want to suspend my license for not reporting the accident. Excuse the fuck out of me! It was reported dip shits. Through all of the proper channels. So now I get to travel back to the wonderful world of the DMV, where even the water cooler hates its own existence, and prove to them that, yes the accident was reported, and yes I do have valid insurance. Maybe while I’m there I will stab myself in the eye with a pencil or pee on a random plant in the corner of the room. Who knows. My advice though? If you’re gonna hit someone with your car, make it count people!! Seriously!! Mame the shit out of whatever poor bastard becomes your target, because in the end, whether you go to prison or not, you’re still gonna get fucked in the ass, and I’m convinced the DMV is just sick enough to do it without lube….